Facial Exercise

This is what I imagine Hollywood liberals must look like when they sniff their own farts in all of their self-satisfied smugness:



Yet another reason why I wish I was born about 15 years earlier so that I could really enjoy the 80's during high school and college. I also really like Solidkingcobra's comment:

i bet you 5 dollas some one is jacking it to this video.

Agreed.

I Kind Of Hate To Do This

I'll bet this scores some votes for McCain

Alright, apparently Lindsay Lohan just decided to chime in on Sarah Palin in her latest blog post:

She said, "I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor, which is probably all she is qualified to be.

"Oh, and... Hint Hint Pali Pal - Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!"

There are honestly just so many things wrong with her thoughts I don't even feel like I have the energy to address them all, and that is just two paragraphs from her rant. 4 years ago she wanted to be a TV anchor? The last time she worked in television was 1988. 4 years ago she would have been gearing up for her successful gubernatorial campaign after just completing her stint as mayor of Wasilla. So she's clearly qualified to do more than just serve as a television anchor. And by the way, what the fuck exactly is Lindsay Lohan qualified to do?

Then she admonishes Palin for posing for tabloid covers. She must be referencing these:

That's right, Sarah Palin managed to pull-off exact mirror poses for two competing tabloid cover stories! And they both portray her negatively! The fact that Lindsay Lohan didn't even have the deductive reasoning skills to realize that Palin clearly didn't endorse or pose for these stories is a testament to how easy it must be to score drugs in California. In fact she may not even realize that she's dating a girl at the moment. Maybe she'll learn from this and not sound off on issues without even making an attempt to be accurate. And please, get off the hole and come back to the pole. Thanks....

Tax Dollars At Work

So my friend Windsor wrote an article for The American Spectator this week that covers the failed D.C. Summer Jobs program. Not only did the program basically pay kids to do nothing all summer, but it cost 52.4 million dollars - up from an original budget of $14.5 million. Even the former mayor is dogging on the program.

Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry, who created the program 29 years ago, called this year's "the most mismanaged programmatically and financially in the history of the program."

When you have a certified crack-head telling you that your program is joke, it's time to take a deeper look at what your doing and re-group. So it only makes logical sense that D.C. has now decided to set aside $2.7 million to PAY students to attend class.

For years, school officials have used detention, remedial classes, summer school and suspensions to turn around poorly behaved, underachieving middle school students, with little results. Now they are introducing a program that will pay students up to $100 per month for displaying good behavior.

Could you imagine being paid to go to school, by the government, when you were in middle school? Now imagine that you are paying for children (not your own) to go to school, because that's exactly what's happening. This decision is the brainchild of Michelle Rhee, who has been heralded as the new savior of the D.C. school system. This is the big idea she came up with. So instead of placing the burden of raising the child on the actual parents of the children in school, she places the responsibility in the hands of the hard workers who pay taxes and never got paid to receive their education. What welfare state?

Should I Be Worried About Being A Slave?

Today on The View, that bastion of objective political thinking, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should be worried about being a slave again:

Personally I'm more worried about the fact that people in the audience clapped after she said that. How do you go about finding a whole room of complete idiots? But I guess she does have a point, as her continuing role on prime time television despite her plethora of stupid comments shows just what a tough time she's had clawing her way to the top in this repressive regime we call America. There is one group that's pretty racist towards her:

Not Available on iTunes

Does this have a double meaning?

Once I tried to run, I tried to run and hide
But Jesus came and found me and He touched me down inside,
He is a like a Mounty, He always gets his man,
And He'll tap you anyway He can - Zap!

Yep, sounds totally hole-some.

Earth First, Dignity Second

This makes me want to start forest fires:




Seriously, do these people have nothing better to do with their lives/time then go sit in the middle of the woods crying their douche-tears because someone cut down a tree? This pretty much sums it up:



Get a job and be a productive member of society instead screaming in the woods because you want to show how sensitive and caring you are about the loss of non-sentient life due to progress.

Move That Boogie Body

I'll take three of whatever drinks she had before they filmed this.

*UPDATE*

After further inspection I think she might have huffed duster.

A Heart of Gold,

a chair with wheels and a leg of PVC. This sad story out of New York might have been preventable had she only known some of these moves:



Instead I think it looked more like this. Without the laughing:



One way ticket to hell, please.

"So Wet You'll Need a Raincoat"

With these at least you don't have to waste the peanut butter.

Not Cool

I can't believe no one has thought to test this before, I guess it's really not that surprising if you think about it.



I wonder which restaurants in D.C. do this? I also wonder what the results for really common stuff like tuna and salmon were.

"It's So Cold in the D"

"The D" being Detroit - and I think the temperature is the least of their worries.



This video seriously calls into question the notion that all black people have rhythm. It also calls into question the U.S. law that allows do-it-yourself haircoloring to be sold over the counter at CVS. At least it matches the shirt.

Like a Virgin

Well, didn't have to look too far today to find something offensive:


What are those things to the left and right of her crotch? Decoy vaginas? This picture is from her new music tour, where she apparently has a video montage that compares John McCain to Adolf Hitler and Robert Mugabe. Sorry saggy tits, just because you'd make a great Presidential cocksucker doesn't really make you qualified to call McCain a Nazi.


Her dad must be proud, but hey, at least she's good at something.

What Does He Put In The Finger Holes?

Dude better watch out, as slick as bowling alleys are he might fly down the lane and be mistaken for a gutter ball.


Armless Bowler Gets A Strike - Watch more free videos

Do you think they have to rent him one shoe for that little foot?

What a Jerk

This just shows that typical cop power-trip mentality. You know, I understand that the guy shouldn't have been on the phone and driving so fast, but just provide an escort or take the girl and dog to the vet while you deal with his speeding. I think I would have lost my shit when he said "It's just a dog, you can get another one."

Whatever Happened to Monopoly?

Hungry Hungry Hippos' lesser-known rival:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

"I'm Walking on Sunshine"

Next time you think you have problems, watch this:



You kind of feel sorry for her, but then she gets that goofy look in her eyes and you can't help but laugh.

*UPDATE*

Here's the remix